Avoiding The Big SAD

Escaping seasonal depression this week. Yellow Brick Road.

Credit: Ethel Moore

Welcome to Yellow Brick Road, an exploration of the guided path!!

There are days when the absolute most you can do for yourself is narrowly escape the crushing defeat of seasonal affective disorder. This week, that’s what I could give myself.

I “produced” far less than I would have liked, though I’m shocked by how many things I did in tenderness and grace for being a bit weepy, a bit low, and a bit grieve-y. In comparison to what I felt about myself when I entered depressive stages years ago, we’re in a pretty good spot. For one, I still think I’m worthy of nice things. I don’t think it’s “low vibrational” or “out of my character” to be depressed. I’m officially owning my right to be a sad bitch without sinking into the shame of being a sad bitch.

Regardless, I found myself bargaining with intrusive thoughts and emotional flashbacks.

“If you let me have 2 hours with my brain to finish writing this chapter, I will be extra sluggish later - I promise!” But you know, it’s best to not bargain with the enemy. When it comes to seasonal depression, I view my energy expenditure and preparation for fall and winter as a preemptive strike to maintain any semblance of structure and balance. You gotta get to the good and stay rooted there. This is how I dug into my good this week:

1. After months of careful consideration, I caved and joined the Peloton cult. The second the first gust of autumn wind whipped through Brooklyn, my sad bitch senses were tingling. My apartment is a solid 15 minute walk away from the nearest gym, a walk I generally enjoy and include in my movement schedule.

   

   When it’s 15 degrees out, there’s snow on the pavement, and I’m barely scraping together a droplet of serotonin, dopamine, and endorphin combined, I know I will not feel the same about that lil’ walk. Present me is looking out for future me and getting into an at-home movement routine as accessible as possible. I took my first few rides this week, and I hate to report that this damn bike made some points.

2. I accepted help and care from a friend. At the beginning of the week, my girl Kia came over for coffee and a catch-up. It wasn’t long before my intuitive and amazing friend realized I was a little off, and asked me what I needed. I told her my ADHD made it really hard to not feel crowded by my stuff knowing winter was around the corner. I wanted to clean out my closet, but didn’t want to cancel our plans because I needed that too. So, she brought our coffees into my bedroom, laid down, and talked with me while I sorted my clothes between “Keep” and “Donate” piles.

   

   She asked me if I had any intention on leaving my apartment; when I said no, she respond: “If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay with you today.” We Facetimed some friends, listened to music, and chatted about our goals while I purged the excess in my life. After, we watched Netflix’s Sexy Beasts (pics below) - an absolutely perfect program in which three folks compete for the affection of one lucky man or woman while they all wear outlandish prosthetics to avoid making shallow decisions. That shit right there was soul food.

   

   The last time all of my exes were seen in the same room. Credit: Netflix

   I couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed for someone having witnessed me this way. When I sink into depression, I sink alone. Concerned about keeping up appearances and assuring everyone I am absolutely, positively and definitely okay, isolation consumes me for weeks on end. You know what happened after one day of being witnessed in my shadow? I felt a little embarrassment and I felt a lot of love. It made me consider how easy it is to be loved and how easy it is to convince ourselves we shouldn’t be loved. Much to think about!!!

3. I journaled. So much. Last year, I had so much on my chest that I filled 5 journals with my emotional overwhelm. In the pocket of each of my daily totes was a journal and at least a few pens and they were all well-loved. Since January, I’ve fallen off my daily practice - mostly because I write for a living now and am working on a book so reaching for a pen and paper for any other reason feels like a chore.

   Isn’t it a shame that work can do that to us? Make us feel like the very little space we create for ourselves to be totally vulnerable and uninhibited by judgment is a chore?

   This week, I held myself accountable to journaling every day again. Knowing it would make me feel better, that it would take me out of my daily emotional flashbacks; I not only wrote every day but several times a day.

   

   Screenshot of a caption by TikTok user @badboypokerbabe

4. I made my favorite soup. Good soup. Gorgeous, gorgeous girls love soup. (Both of those were TikTok references so thank you for still being here)

   

   Naturally, I sealed a perfect rainy day with a stunning hot, savory meal. This Tuscan Sausage and Kale soup is an absolute dream. It is a combination of several soup recipes that I pulled and eventually made my ideal flavor profile. It’s hearty and rich and melts away any chill in your bones or spirit. The recipe is as follows:

   • 1.5 cartons of chicken broth

   • 1 lb of hot Italian sausage meat

   • 5-6 small russet potatoes, cut in small chunks

   • 3 stalks of celery

   • 2 carrots, or 1 very large carrot

   • 1 bunch of kale, leaves pulled off stem, washed, and massaged

   • A few dashes of heavy cream

   • Fresh sage, bay leaves, thyme, and rosemary

   • Seasonings: fresh black pepper, adobo, salt-free Italian seasoning, crushed red pepper flakes

   I cooked the potatoes and veggies (sans kale) down until soft and seasoned. Then, I added the broth and herbs, and boiled while the Italian sausage was cooking in a second pan. Once cooked, I transferred the Italian sausage (pat dried of grease) into the soup pot, and added my kale letting it all become savory goodness. Shortly before turning off heat, I added a dash of cream and red pepper flakes.

5. I got a Where The Wild Things Are library card at the Brooklyn Public Library. Coincidentally, depression does pump the brakes on my anxiety brain a bit so I have the attention span to read a bit more. In three years here, it has taken me far too long to go to the library, as I do love buying books. At this point, my shelves are in a precarious situation if I continue to buy so to the library I go. I checked out Black Girls Must Die Exhausted by Jayne Allen which has also been a highlight of my week.

   

How are you guys doing with the seasonal shift?

Have you made a mental health plan for the colder months?

What does mood management usually look like for you?

As always, grateful to be here with you and wish you the happiest of everything <3