Tiny Rituals of Big Friendship
Co-creation and celebration makes a friend. Yellow Brick Road.
Welcome to Yellow Brick Road, an exploration of the guided path!!
One of my favorite cards in the tarot is the 3 of Cups. I mean, look at it!!!!!
In its more simplistic and traditional interpretation, the card is about celebration, community, friendship, and a particularly sociable period of time. It is a fierce reminder that collaboration is spiritual practice, and not just a networking tactic or pure frivolity. It’s a reminder that nothing and no one is celebrated alone. The people who have fostered a space for our lowest, our grittiest, our most trying moments have been waiting for our winning season just as much as we have. Our wins are never experienced in a vacuum.
The 3 of Cups reminds me of Golden Girls, Girlfriends, or Sex and the City. Several women of various gifts, temperaments, personal expressions, and desires with one common goal - to love each other equitably and honestly.
Community is created by those who are dedicated to your growth, who provide a perspective and safe space outside of yourself, and who want to see your dreams actualized as much as you do. I watched a video of Oprah and Gayle discussing their 45-year friendship, and Oprah said, “you cannot maintain friendships with people who lose oxygen as you’re on the climb of your life,” and that stuck. Here’s another entertaining video of them giving friendship advice:
This quote reminded me of this essay by Ann Friedman, co-author of the book Big Friendship, in which she encourages the practice of “shine theory” or going out of your way to befriend the powerful women in your respective small universes. I think the saying goes “a rising tide lifts all boats” and the 3 of Cups agrees, as a nod to the fact that people can’t root for you if they don’t see themselves as collaborators and honored witnesses to your destiny. They can’t raise a chalice to your successes if they’re too busy looking in their pockets to see what they have in comparison.
People who are collaborators in your destiny, who are your true community, share values and vision. They allow space for your evolution and change, and they see your evolution as a mirror to their own opportunities for growth. A good friend and community member wants the absolute best for themselves and nurtures that so they don’t see your evolution, change, and conviction as a threat, but a co-creation of their own.
No one is self-made. For better or worse, every person we choose in this life is but a reflection of us. That’s not to say the other folks in our lives aren’t humans entirely of their own will and must choose us as well. Adult relationships are conditional - specifically under the condition that all parties feel respected, loved, and celebrated. Friendship is, above all else, a choice to commit over and over again to each other’s climb.
I am personally made, supported, and motivated by many. By the collective. By my very own community. A lot of those people are no longer in my life. A few of them have seen me through everything. Many I have yet to meet, and I’m grateful for all. A few months ago, I responded to a querent seeking advice on how to break off connections with old friends, which I think is one of the most relatable and heart-wrenching experiences of growing up. What makes the loss of friendships in adulthood even more devastating than the memories left in their wake is that they are incredibly challenging to replace. Making friends as an adult is not as simple at is once was, when we were kids and community was built-in to daily life.
Communi-tea
As kids and young adults, community is compulsory. By way of school, church, whatever bullshit your parents encourage - you’re around peers of all walks of life even if you don’t want to be. In many ways, your survival depends on being liked by these groups of people without much thought of whether they are safe, fun, or valuable spaces to be a part of. Something that dawned on me recently is that we grew up forced into social dynamics with each other, but a lot of us never truly learned the definition of community.
We were never even told explicitly that community was what we were participating in - just prerequisites to get into college, distractions from getting into trouble, and frankly after-school care for a lot of our parents. As we get older, we maybe don’t know what choosing a community means. When you’re an adult, the foundation of our survival shifts and becomes dependent on us liking ourselves and building a small but mighty team of people who can support us doing so. Your friendships and community are in essence a team of people you are co-creating your reality with, each person offering what the others don’t and being venerated for their personal power.
In a world that congratulates surface-level achievements over character and might, I think liking yourself - celebration - is really important to creating adult friendships because those relationships are built from common interest, joy, and personal value. We should all be a bit more concerned with whether or not we’re being the kind of someone we like (not so much whether or not certain people like us), and celebrating who that person is outside of accomplishments and perceived “leveling up” more often. The greatest compliment anyone has ever given me wasn’t about something I accomplished, but about the person I am and it made me realize that I am better with the mirror and strength of community to hold me accountable and rejoice in the future we are building together.
Making Frenz
So what does growing community as an adult (and outside of work) actually look like? I don’t exactly know, but something I talked about in therapy recently was how grateful I feel for people who are intentionally including me in the lives they’ve built for themselves, rather than both of us having to step outside of our lives to meet. We all have responsibilities that can very easily take us to a place of overwhelm - being on deadline, working long hours, partnerships, existing friendships, kids (furry or human) - and it’s hard to think about going out of one’s way to add to that plate of obligations, but I would suggest that you don’t have to.
I think making friendships as an adult is about following your interests and making damn near everything you do a bid for connection. Make time for interests and be curious about the other people who are drawn to that meeting place. Offer opportunities for people to simply join you in your daily life and task. A few months ago, a new friend shot her friendship shot in the comment section of a video I posted of my workout on Instagram. Turns out, we went to the same gym and were available at the same time each week to work out together. Something that struck me about the way our friendship has since developed was the ease and convenience.
When I was younger, meeting friends through ease and convenience often resulted in being involved in a lot of escapism and toxicity. Now, I simply show up for my interests, my wellness, and my values and I find that people tend to meet me there. Even better, bids for connection can be made for the mundane tasks we might typically do alone. Here are some expressions of adult friendship that I find particularly special:
The Coffee Walk: This is the “I love you so much that I lied and skipped my midmorning meeting to get my second and entirely self-indulgent coffee of the day and bitch about work/detail what I talked about in therapy this week.” This is also the “I don’t know if I even really like you yet and want an easy escape to a “meeting I forgot about.” Either way, elite.
The Nail Appointment: This is much like a movie date in that you can take your friend who you can share just a few glances with and it feels like you told an entire story. If you love beauty rituals as much my girlies and I do, you know how sacred this time can be. If you’re really wanting to extend a bid for connection, you can let your friend pick out your color.
The Necessity/Grocery Run: This adds a little romance to an otherwise annoying task. I personally really love grocery shopping, and frequently go to the grocery store to peruse for snacks while listening to Ella Fitzgerald and looking at what people are buying. This is something that can easily take an hour of your day, which is a perfect amount of time to catch up with a friend you’ve been meaning to get together with in the neighborhood but “just can’t find the time.” You’re welcome!
The Gym Buddy: This is a great opportunity to integrate friend time into an activity that you may alternatively dread. It’s a win-win for everybody. Additionally, your friend who has some pent up energy, who is going through a breakup, or who is just generally a bit angry in the best way is an absolutely ideal match for this activity.
The Hobby Buddy: I have met some of the most interesting people going to adult classes. Especially in places like New York, it’s easy to forget that people exist outside of your industry, age group, and small spaces we’ve carved out for ourselves. If you’re not a hobbyist, become one. You’ll be a lot happier. But also, you remember what it’s like to make friends that aren’t based on the misery of work or talking shit about a mutual adversary. No friendship is better than one established in play.
This was wonderful! Thank you
Thank youuuuu so much for the tips 🙌🏾 I love the part about including people into your life instead of leaving your life to go meet with them