Balance, Boredom, and Other Stuff
On learning how to sit in peace. Yellow Brick Road.
Welcome to Yellow Brick Road, an exploration of the guided path!!
Does anyone else feel like they don’t know what to do with themselves? It’s like wanting to make new friends, wanting to start new creative projects, being so deeply involved in the life you already have because it’s all good, and knowing you actually do have the time to do it all but feeling like time is moving in the wonkiest way that makes you have zero energy????? JUST ME?? OKAY!
For the most part, I want the absolute most of everything I love.
A person of creature comforts (aka Taurus moon) and true obsessive personality, I have existed in the extremes for quite some time. I’ve gone from extreme restrictive dieting to binge eating disorder. Full roster of hotties to the driest inbox you’ve ever seen. The freelance life of financial feast or famine. Working around the clock to complete burnout. All or nothing.
Being all the way in any project, job, relationship, fandom, or my most recent food fixation as I can be without physically crumbling is very much my shit. But I’ve gained enough perspective to realize I’ve never had so much that I loved before now. I didn’t feel I had enough of one thing - career success, money, love, self-esteem - so I overindulged in what I thought I did have, and was stuck in an infinite loop of scarcity. For a long time, work was my crown jewel so I tended to it with tunnel vision. Nothing else existed. And when I was in love, I was so nervous it would slip through my fingers that I couldn’t focus on friendships or my career even if I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time.
In order to truly hold and savor every beautiful relationship, connection, and gift in my life right now, I have no choice but to step out of the comfort zone of being overindulgent and show up for all of it, bit by bit. The all or nothing approach is simply broken.
We outside and open to connection. We’re creating some very exciting work which I can’t share quite yet but hope to soon. I’m historically and proudly a woman of every vice, but these days I’ve felt differently, persistently. It’s something less intoxicating, something more dull, something cool and breezy. I’ve reached what I think could be described as balance. I’m taking what’s mine in every way these days. There is, in fact, enough time to see, touch, taste, and feel it all and I’m dumbfounded.
In the way of vices, I simply don’t have a reality I wish to escape anymore. I don’t need to work beyond bedtime to have success. I don’t need to avoid my responsibilities in the name of having white noise interactions with folks I barely know to experience reprieve. There are some days when I sit in my comfy lil’ apartment, writing my silly lil’ newsletter, living my silly lil’ fantasies in real fucking life and realize I neither fear the past nor the future. I’m two feet in the present…and then there is this insidious, fleeting thought. A wish for just a moment of pure and utter chaos. The kind of chaos that makes you look at your ex’s IG or download a dating app or dye your hair. (I’ve done all of these things in the last month YIKES)
I mention this to say that we talk about creating boundaries around obsessively working, socializing, consuming, and escaping but very few conversations mentioning why it can be scary to finally overcome your vices and reach balance in your life. First of all - who are you without the extremes and vices? When all you’ve known is chaos, overfunctioning, running, and addiction to cycles and patterns you barely realized existed - even in ways that are perceived as high-functioning or create net-positive outcome to someone - balance, presence, and peace can feel an awful lot like boredom and loneliness.
That false sense of boredom used to lure me into some shadowy and damaging spaces, arms, and hearts. Into manipulative situationships, codependent friendships, a HURTING bank account, and several meal deliveries a day. All in the name of filling the huge amount of space peace creates. It occurs to me, however, that space is not always intended to be filled with seats. It’s the dance floor of my life.
Before you sit in that shitty mood because you have no overwhelm, no drama, no fight or flight mode to answer to, ask yourself this.
Am I bored or am I at peace?
Anyway, here’s some good shit I prioritized over working and productivity this week:
Listening
If you have time for this episode of The Cutting Room Floor, every second spent listening to Leandra Medine convince herself that she’s anything but rich and bored was fascinating.
Charlotte Day Wilson’s voice is like no other.
Reading
I read a lot of sexy storylines and sappy love notes this week and I’m not mad about it.
Seven Days In June was exactly what the doctor ordered; as a steamy love story about two Black writers who dedicate their life’s work to a short-lived romance in childhood that made me sob.
Don’t Hate the Player was SO fun. Romance is my first love in reading, and this book felt like being in the group chat. I full out chuckled many times while reading.
The Fixed Stars dives into sexuality, motherhood, marriage, “coming out” while still figuring out who you’re even coming out as? It’s really good.
Vulnerable AF was the perfect collection of poems for me right now. It’s saucy and sticky, and really funny. If you’ve ever lost yourself in someone else, Vulnerable AF is for you, baby.
Eating
This gorgeous meal from Llama Inn in Williamsburg was giving everything and then some. The fresh tortilla situation, the short rib, the gravy, the huge pile of fries on top??? I rest my case. We started with their ceviche which is dreamy AF, kale salad, and octopus dish. 10/10 for me. The manager was also so nice while telling us to GTFO because we were hogging the table and made sure to mention he “loved the energy we were bringing to the restaurant.”
I said goodbye to a friend who is moving to California at Winona’s in Bushwick. This place has a rotating seasonal menu and the food did not disappoint at all. Veggie pappardelle! Falafel on gazpacho! There’s a burrata that didn’t make it! All truly perfect.
I feel like we're on a similar wavelength. There's days where I find myself growing out of habits I once thought I would never grow out of (or emotions rather). And when I become aware of it, part of me misses the chaos. And I start romanticizing the past. Luckily, I'm able to become aware of it, but those thoughts are still there.
I sound like a broken record by now, but I constantly remind myself to be present. It's what grounds me and allows me to be at ease with any thoughts that come up. I loved how you described the feeling of what happens when you're at peace.
Anyways, I hope you're taking care and sending lots of positive vibes your way.